To start with I would love to make a disclaimer - I am not a physiologist, relationship guru or certified therapist. Everything below are my thoughts based on my experience and research.
Lets start from the beginnings. As children, we saw everything. Coldness, love, fights, intimacy, anger, possessiveness, respect or disrespect, rituals. All the wide spectrum, and it's great. But what we forget to realise, want we or not - we bring all that with us. Even if we think - I will not do that, I will not talk this way. The truth is sometimes even not realising we find us closer to the apple, even than we thought.
Our family was the place where we learned about closeness, trust, loyalty, commitment, sharing, talking, receiving, asking. All the life essentials were learned at home. If they.
So in life, we have two relationships. One with our family (people who rise you) and with everybody else (people you fall in love with).
Below are four crucial people behaviours what are most likely to break the relationships:
When you or your partner stops caring about what other think, how other feel, how other is doing. When THE thing (business, car, beauty, etc.) becomes more important. Being indifferent degrades other person. The essential feeling for the connection between each other is knowing that we matter. That we feel = “I matter to you. I am someone. You care about me. You want my wellbeing. You are proud of me. You want good for me.”
When people start to take each other for granted. They take care more of their business, car or dog more than about their partner. Why when people start dating they take care of each other, put an effort, text like crazy, call, show huge interest, but forget to make an effort when they are together, married etc.? Why people start to think that relationships will take care of its own and will be alive like cactus in the desert?
Now valuing another person. Making another feel like what you do is nothing. This is not good enough. You can do it better.
Abuse, disrespect. Why we talk nicer to strangers, but not our partners? Imagine if you would act the same way at work, with a policeman or new friends? - Obviously, it would screw up everything. But relationships? Why do we think we can gateway and don’t put an effort? Why with our partners and family we start to think that they will be there forever?
How we sustain the desire?
How we can have sex with one person for a long period of time, that is fun, connected, intimate and playful?
The fact is, women get bored with sex much sooner than man. Why?
Man can keep the interest for sex for the much longer time because he is interested in sex itself.
The woman, on the other hand, cares less about sex. Woman care less about the sex itself in the committed relationships because it is not so interesting. And it's all because the story, the connection, the romance, the turn ON for the sex is not there anymore. After “getting" the desired woman, a man very often forgets about the most precious thing what woman needs = to desire them again and again - TURN ON. THE FOR PLAY - this is the real thing for the woman. This is what gets female interested is sex. Not just, honey, can you please help with the pressure down there. Sure woman can, but what is there for her? For a woman it is all about the seduction, creating a game. Woman love games. It's a coming close, it's a tease, it's a mystery. It's what animals call - pacing. It's when you come a little bit, and I come a little bit. I step back, and you step forward. It's an essential ingredient for a seduction, for the GAME. Therefore, a man very ofter interprets as woman are just not interested in sex, that they don’t need, so they go and look somewhere else. But in the reality, it's not true. Woman want. Woman WANT sex as badly as a man do, but for a woman, the essential thing that makes her “come” is that man desire to concur her again and again. This is what keeps woman fresh, what makes her what to look better, go to the gym, what stimulates her to be the best version possible. Woman want to feel needed and wanted. This literally, star rockets womans desire for sex. Bold and honest truth - woman just wants an attention.
In general, when other people turn us the most? - When they are at their peak. When they do their work, when they exercise, when they talk on the stage, when they do something spectacular. Then they are vibrant and confident.
When are we the most drawn to our partner? When we are in our element, when we feel strong, when we feel powerful.
Reality. During the day, when we are at work or lunch and talk to our friends and colleagues = we are energetic, we strive to leave a good impression, we put an effort, we give our best.
And what happens when we come back at home in the evening? We leave the leftovers for our loved ones/family. :(
On a daily basis we put our biggest focus on a commitment, work, bills, our personal wellbeing, and then we say - oh, our relationship is boring. This is not working. Question, on which place the relationship is on your daily To Do List? Did you actually put an effort to make it work? Love will not just happen. Sex will not just happen. This is our conscious decision. It is all in our hands. And only we can make it work. It's all about the decision to constantly put an effort. The same effort we put in the gym, at work or at the exam. We decide what is important and do it RELIGIOUSLY.
What can I do to make it different from the ways I did it until now?
What can I do that I think can actually improve my relationship?
What I think will be good for us?
And it's not that we need to come up with something new every day. It's all about those little things. AWARENESS.
What can I notice?
What can I say?
Can I leave a little note?
===================================== It’s a creative work.
To have a great relationship you always need to be alert. Comfort will not take you far. It's curiosity. When you are curious you lean forward and you watch. You are open to the mysteries of life.
Do you still think relationships take to much work?
And what about your work or business?
If you not gone work for three weeks, will you still make money?
In the end of the life, nobody will remember that you worked for 70 or 80 hours a week. People will remember that there was somebody special who was there when he/she was needed the most. When somebody put an effort to do something special. When somebody said something special. Don’t do a bare minimum, and don’t do anything with feeling - “I do it because I know it will make him/her happy.” Do it because YOU want it to do.
It's normal that people in relationships are different. Embrace it. It's normal to have your own space. Say it. It's perfectly fine to have a different passion. Share it. It's awesome to have your own friends. It's healthy to spend time alone. Don’t try to make your partner into everything. Find multiple sources, so you can have a group of people who can support you. One person can’t be for everything.
What works for the first 3 months, might not work after 1 year. What works after 5 years, might not work when you are together already for 30 years.
Relationships are all about:
- Ability to reinvent yourself
- Learning new skills
- Being open minded and alert
- Try new things and take risks
It's like building a business, it's like building your personality. It's like your fashion style = It changes from time to time, it changes with age, it changes with adopting new habits and lifestyle.
Don’t wait till the crisis hits your relationship. It's almost impossible to change it at that point. Make sure to check in with your partner from time to time. Talk. Share. Discuss. Engage. Relationships will not just work if you will not make them work.
And I think a healthy way of thinking about your current or future partner would be - This is my partner for life NOT - I will find a partner for life. Because you choose that. You choose either to keep this person next to you for the rest of your life, or you let it go. It's all about your thoughts and actions. You can keep looking, find one, go away, start looking, find another, let it go and then again start looking. Understand - another person is not obligated to keep you entertained, satisfied and happy. You both choose to do it.
Partners are not BETA and their TRIAL does not expire. You can always find another, but it doesn’t mean it will be better. There are not a lot of people you can LOVE and there are not a lot of people with whom you can LIVE. There might be a lot of people with whom you can make a love story, have a great sex, go out to the movies, but there is not a lot of people with whom you could Live For The Rest Of Your Life.
How to find a person for life?
Look for shared values. Notice things that another person enjoys as you (fitness, travel, work, growth, their life missions and goals). Everything else besides feelings. If you can imagine yourself building successful relationships with this person, creating a home, marrying, having children, then this can be the one. But it only will be the ONE if you will put a constant effort It To BE.
Thank you very much for reading this. And please let me know what do you think. I am sure we can learn from each other and make this world a better place. Peace.